Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
