My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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