I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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