i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
