I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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