We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
