Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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