Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
