just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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