I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
