life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
