And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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