I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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