Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
