i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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