I skipped work to stalk him.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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