Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize