Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
did i walk over a car last night?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You ruined the universe
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
