Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
