I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
