Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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