He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
