So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
