I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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