Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
