Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
