After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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