I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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