My room smells like vodka and shame
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
