Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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