First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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