He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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