I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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