hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I faked an abortion last night.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize
