I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
