my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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