how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just cropdusted the office
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
