Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
