Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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