not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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