I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
