I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
