I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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