talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Are we still banned from the library?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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