i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
