Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
