Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
