oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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