Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
