It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
