I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you win again, gameday.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
