I feel like abortions should bother me more
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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